Journal of a Pandemic Year: Part Forty-Six

Dear Readers,

It has been a little over a week since the official release of Molly’s Song. Having lived with this story in the two years since I wrote the first words, obviously there was some excitement with the day that the story was finally out there for the world to see. It has been replaced with a sense of emptiness. So much of my life was wrapped up in the book that now that it is published, it is like I don’t know what to do with myself. Obviously, there is a sequel in the works, but that is just enough to take the edge off the restlessness I feel. I wonder if other authors feel the same way or if I’m just not right in the head. I mean, I know I ain’t right, but I meant in this specific instance.

My wife starts back to school tomorrow (Monday). Last year was bad. This year will be worse, as no one will have to wear masks and the county where her school is has the lowest vaccination percentage in the whole state. I’ll be back to being crammed into overcrowded classrooms with unmasked adults in a few more weeks. Honestly, I’ve just accepted the fact that I’m going to get sick and there’s nothing I can do about it. That makes it easier to deal with. People think all this is over because they want it to be over. We all want it to be over, but it won’t be unless people take precautions. Instead, we are all going to suffer from their poor decisions and from government officials and school administrators who put politics over the lives of educators and students.

I’m scheduled for a surgery on Sept. 14, but that may not happen since the rapid rise in case counts are causing some hospitals in the area to cancel non-emergent surgeries. I’ve already put this surgery off for 18 months. I don’t want to wait any longer, but I might very well have to wait. The jury is still out on that, or rather, the Rona is still out on that. We’ll see what happens.

I’m turning 43 on Saturday the 14th. My body is 43 in age years but 90 in mileage years. My spine is barely held together. My knees don’t work. My shoulders don’t work and I can’t raise either arm above my head. My intestines don’t work, and I get bowel obstructions. There are days with crippling migraines. I can’t walk very far without stopping to rest. My lungs are heavily scarred. There are days when I can’t get out of the car without help. I’m in pain every second of every day. I no longer remember what it was like to live without horrendous pain. I know we all have our crosses to bear, but there are times when I wonder why mine had to be so heavy. I’m serving a life sentence, held prisoner by my own body.

I truly don’t like talking about my physical condition because no one wants to hear it. I go through great lengths to hide it from people because I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me and I don’t want to be treated like I’m any different than anyone else. I’m a fighter, and this is my own personal war to wage. I’m not going to draft anyone else to fight it for or with me.

I didn’t mean for this post to be so negative, but it is what it is. Sometimes, you just have enough and want to set out your feelings in writing, which I have done here.

Until next time, friends, take care of yourselves. And each other.

L.H.

4 thoughts on “Journal of a Pandemic Year: Part Forty-Six

  1. Lee, I always look for and appreciate your letting us how how you are doing physically. Please continue your updates on you! You are an inspiration to me as you keep writing books even when you are in impossible pain. I am 91 and pain is my companion too. Your 2 kittens are beautiful, how are they adjusting to Stasi and her kitty family? Do they cuddle! I have 2 kitties wo do and 3 kitties who do not. You are very special to me.

    Like

  2. Ok…first: you are so right to talk about it! We are made for connection and to support one another. Your story is someone else’s story. Your strength and perseverance gives another the same. You inspire me, for one. Ex.: Turns out, I can’t have foot surgery (basically a deformity at birth I kept pushing through) due to bone density issues. So, I can’t walk well and have to stop and/or greatly curtail my subbing and volunteering for now and for…? Long story short, see endocrinologist tmrw to get bone density meds. w/their hard side effects. Meds I must take leach bone, too, but my own efforts have not been enough. Now, wearing WW shoes, L foot too big, R too small. Very limited on pain relief choices. Pity part ensued, but slowly pulling out of it. Thank God I have faith and some emotional support. So, you inspire me because I see you dealing with waaaay more physically and emotionally. Yet, you persevere with your family ( inc. your wonderful kitty and other animal friends), friends, readers, and teach…as well as write wonderful books! I appreciate your openness and honesty, and humor! I pray for you and wife as you deal with a Covid risky environment. Variants, oh 😳😖!! Here in San Antonio we are back up to 19% positivity rate in one month, starting at 5.3, to 7+, 11+, and now 19+. If/when I go to school, I will wear a mask again and continue stringent hygiene measures. Last year, I had not even a sore throat, and I am usually sick several times per year. My last 5 1/2 weeks was in spec. Ed., even more of an illness prone env., I stayed well but it did in my foot for going on 3 mos. now. I refuse to give up. It is my ministry. Maybe in one year surgery dr said, but good chance of failure due to bone density dropping quickly again once meds are stopped. (Regimen of density meds is 2 yrs.). So…I really feel your pain. At the same time, I rejoice in your spirit! I pray you get your surgery and that God will provide you with great support, success, comfort, and healing! I so know that feeling of “what next…?” since you just went through your travels with Molly and now turn your thoughts to the sequels. It takes much energy and focus to keep going, esp in light of your other challenges. I have felt that similar feeling every summer for 27 yrs before retiring and the last 12 after as I basically have still had a place in education in some way…and yet has many other challenges, too. You can do it! We are all behind you! May Gods hold you all close in His light and love as you go through each day. Many prayers and blessings for you and yours! Mrs. K🙏💕😊

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s